Normally I am a huge goal setter. I love having a plan and motivating myself to do better, be better. As you all know my life has been overwhelmed lately with the building of my house and my move. So much so that I haven’t been able to eat well and my stomach has been continually upset. I wish I could control this but I can’t.I’ve thrown up a lot, had nausea, sleep apnea, insomnia, stomach cramping, headaches and asthmatic episodes and I actually think I’ve handled it all pretty well for me….Sigh
So with this in mind I had an interesting experience yesterday. I met with my nutrition counselor on Saturday and she tried 3 times to get me to set goals- goals for the New Year, goals for the month, and then I think getting a little desperate, goals for the week. I just couldn’t do it! My brain couldn’t formulate one goal. Even as she asked me I felt my heart begin to race and my stomach churn. My whole body felt raw, wrung out and tired. Really kind of numb… I just shook my head and said ‘I can’t do it. I have no idea’.
This is highly unusual for me but it was in fact a healthy choice for me to make. I’m kind of proud of myself.
I told her that I knew I was in a vulnerable spot and whatever goals I set would become obsessive for me. I’m searching for things I can control and diet goals are something I could go way overboard in feeling I can control. I just knew I had to step back and take it one day at a time. It’s a good thing that I am getting to the point in my mental health where I can tell I am vulnerable and when I am not. Right now I just need acceptance, congratulations and as much normality as possible.
No goals! No resolutions! Just survival! I feel a little guilty even saying that but its true. I need to coast for a month until I get in this darn house and then it will be back to the goal setting Rachel.
Does that make sense? I can only take so much and I also feel I need to savor the moment and be grateful for the blessings of so many changes. It would be easy to distract myself from the fear of change with a diet rush or some other goal, obsess into that instead of dealing with all the new and absorbing it with fearlessness.
So there you go. No goals! Just going to try and be happy to be me.