As I mentioned in my earlier post I’ve been a little stressed out lately. I’ve had a lot of work on my plate and been trying to keep up my part time exercising job. To be honest its been exhausting! I went to the doctors yesterday and I think we’ve started on the path for figuring out why I’m tired all the time and weight loss is so hard. The doctor was very supportive but it brought back a flood of emotions and memories. It was like all the struggles, diets, criticism, looks of disdain, judgments, disinterest from boys and over 20 years of failure came welling up. I feel like I’ve been absorbing the emotions and filtering it for the last two days. It may be hard to believe but I have a healthy self-esteem. Still, that doesn’t mean I haven’t faced challenges with weight loss and my ‘never-want-to-change’ body. In a way it has been more difficult to be trying so hard and be fat (although admittedly less fat). A quick fix is very tempting but I’ve done that before and it never lasts.
Permanent weight loss is something I have never been able to figure out and am just starting to get. The path I’m on is dauntingly difficult and emotional in a way only a journey starting when I was 8 could be. I know it is awesome to have lost 35 lbs but those lbs have been won with blood, sweat and tears (some shed this week!). I should get a gold medal in weight loss if I pull this off. Its certainly been the quest of a life time. I sometimes wonder why Heavenly Father feels I need this challenge from such a young age? Why does it have to be this hard- especially when it seems so easy for others? Why couldn’t I be skinny and meet Mr. Sunshine and life be perfect? I don’t know but it must be what I need to be my best- to be perfected. It must be!
I know its silly to worry about what the world thinks but since I have this forum I just want to say one thing to the world- the next time you see a 275 lb girl and your tempted to think “what a fattie” just remember she might be exercising until collapsing for the last 8 months. Please keep in mind that maybe she’s been eating 1300-1500 calories and denying herself almost all her favorite foods. She may be trying as hard as she can to change her life- so understand her struggle before you dare judge her. She may not be the lazy coach potato you think she is. In fact, she may be in better shape than you! (or at least a better swimmer! 🙂 ). Please try to see her potential. I used to know someone who would take photos of fat people in parks and at Disneyland because they were supposedly funny. It is that kind of cursory glance, mocking without any follow up questions, disdain for a fellow human beings struggles, that makes me want to scream. The idea of someone thinking I’m funny because I’m fat when I’m working so hard to change makes me crazy. If you want to see the type of prejudice I fight against check out this link. Phew! I’ve said it, now moving on!
As I say this I want to make it clear I’ve had nothing but amazing support from my family and friends. They have been awesome. My parents and siblings have been especially great supports. I have felt unconditional love no matter my weight, and I am so grateful for that. Thank you for the phone calls, emails, comments, shoulders to cry on and arms to hug when victories are achieved. I am particularly thankful for everyone that has listened to me cry again and again this week. Thank you so much. You wonderful people allowed me to let it out and now I feel like I can move on and keep fighting!
So there world- think before you judge, remember everyone has a journey and never give up! I’m not going to!
14 thoughts on “Venting About Weight Loss”
You’re awesome Rachel!
thanks. I know your mainly Anna’s best friend but I’m glad I can count you as a friend of mine as well!
First off, you are definitely right about being a better swimmer than me :)I want you to know that I admire you so much for all of your dedication to this goal. There aren’t many people who can look a challenge in the face, go for it, and keep going for it, no matter how futile it seems at times. I definitely need to learn to persevere better. Also, anyone who doesn’t take the time to know you is really missing out on an amazing friend!
AMEN! Been there, going through that right now! I couldn’t have said it better myself. It takes a lot to lose weight emotionally, physically, spiritually…I’ve lost 21 pounds in 3 months, its a slow process, but it is for life! Thanks for your words!
Thanks you guys. Ashley I’m glad I went on the cruise just so I could meet you. Thanks for being so encouraging when we worked out together.
Great job Jodi! It has been way too long since we got together. I can’t wait to see you. Congrats.
way to go!!!! im proud of your success!! and im excited that you liked my recipe! did i win?! this was fun! im totally gonna try the other 2! i love moral support & i love being support. good job!
I’m afraid the winner was the cookies but yours was delicious too. Thanks for sending it. Please send me any others you have. I really appreciate it.
We all have our challenges, but I must say it seems to me that this particular one that you have been and still are dealing with must be so overwhelming, all encompassing and physically and emotionally exhausting that I think you must be an exceptionally strong person simply for enduring it. The fact that you have been working so hard and done so well in your efforts to overcome it speaks to your being even stronger still. Just think of how strong you will be after you have conquered it! And you certainly must be a stronger swimmer than me, as I would not even consider myself a swimmer. Swimming is hard! It intimidates me, before I even get into the water…I hate just getting dressed (or rather, undressed) for it! Kudos to you for having the courage and dedication to be swimmer!
Also, venting is a natural and important thing to do every so often!
Thanks for the comments. It does feel overwhelming at times and I’m grateful to have friends (and my blog) to vent into. People don’t realize that losing weight involves a change of lifestyle. Its a very emotional, spiritual and physical journey. I still have a long way to go but I know I’m not giving up this time. Thanks for the encouragement.
In some ways it is easier to stay a constant that I understand then to dare to change. (But when is the easy way out right?) To lose weight you also have to look the possibility of failure in the eye and deal with it.